Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have finally found the time to post an entry. And what better tone to restart blogging than my favourite sneering, sardonic one? And as usual, the entity at the receiving end of this tone thoroughly deserves scorn. That's what I think. And this is my blog, remember? So there.
Pardon my manners, dear reader, it is just that I am not used to blog etiquette nowadays. I seem to have lost the skill, the eye to spot blogworthy topics. And of course, if I really think about it, it must be because of…errr…yes, Amit Varma and Arnab Ray. They must be jealous of my blog and my ever-increasing blog readers, especially since I stopped blogging for almost a year. And since they could not have assailed me, as they are far away from me, they must have used the only power that cuts through space, time and electronic transmission. They must have used…the Evil Eye. (scary music piece).
But I need not fear. The good, spiritual folks at GTM teleshopping shall bring back my blog rank, my followers, Google Ad sense money and pretty girls. OK, not the last one. I look at them with avuncular affection, now that I am married. And hair loss makes me look 'uncle' anyway. But to come back, the good folks shall help me by giving me protection against the Evil Eye. And all for a measly 'Sanyog Raashi' (Total Cost- or the coming together cost) of Rs.2375/- (along with a measly Rs.125/- as postage and handling charges). Isn't life great? How? you may ask. The answer is simple. The Nazar Suraksha Kavach (NSK) pack. No, you Western-educated, liberal, anti-traditional bigot, NSK is not something that will protect your eyes.
Their website says,
Nazar Suraksha Kawach means the "evil eye bead", is actually a stone bead, which is worn to protect oneself from evil looks (sic). The stone is an amalgamation of molten glass, iron, copper, water and salt. This particular combination of minerals and metals is believed to provide a shield from the forces of evil. The Nazar Suraksha Kawach has the symbol of an eye worked upon it. The symbol of the eye is regarded as a potent amulet for protection against evil forces in almost every culture of the world like Jewish, Islamic, Hindu, Buddhist and Christian. Thus, in Turkey, you have an eye for an eye.
And stops. Don't you love their karmic disdain for continuity already? and what about disdain for facts? Babylon…Turkey…what's the difference? Hammurabi sounds like a Turkish name, after all.
OK, spot quiz. What's more dangerous than a shark? Give up? The answer is: a shark with lasers. And what's more dangerous than a shark with lasers? The actors in Nazar Suraksha Kavach TV ads. A lady with hypnotic eyes and eye make up that kills your sweetest dreams sells this on TV. Claim upon baseless claim is made with a reassuring smile. Trouble supposedly caused by other people's evil eye furrows the obscenely made up pretty brow of our lady. And since the ad director is certain that we will not be able to handle the lady's wrinkled brow, out come the laser actors. People who seem to have never worn a suit in their whole life smile besuited, toothy smiles, banging away at the keys of an instrument called a "laptop", which they seem to have never touched before, in order to denote post NSK-ian success. An ageing junior actor shows just why he is a junior actor by hamming joy when his (on-screen) daughter gets a proposal and hamming sorrow when the proposal is withdrawn. In between, an aunt straight out of K-serials comes and shoots out envious laser beams at the junior actor's daughter at the rate of one envious laser beam per eye, per narrated incident proving how lucky the daughter is to have landed such a groom.
All those laser beams don't go waste; the guy, doubtlessly made aware of Laser Eye Aunty, retracts in a hurry, prompting the aforementioned ham scene. The girl, a master of cool, hard logic, deduces that the proposal did not go through because of the Laser Eye fusillade and no other reason on Earth (including the hammy Dad, or her lack of beauty or personality) could have contributed to the withdrawal. She gets the NSK (Sanyog Raashi 2375/-, postage 125/-…call now!!) and the next shot is of her about to get married the next day! Hallelujah! The fact that the ad director did not bother to show any signs of impending marriage on the girl does not bother anyone.
Many such success stories are paraded before your eyes. There is a reference to 'harmful negative energy' and how NSK is able to reduce it or convert it into positive energy. Obviously, since it was trusted by ancient civilizations, whose only exposure to energy was lightning, fire, horse and bull, this assertion becomes bull-proof.
But wait! There's more! GMT is committed to make their your life richer. You can get 'Kuber Kunji' (Kuber's- the god of wealth's- key), which is an elaborately designed key that can be kept in the worship room and a miniature version hung around the neck. (the Website suggests that the 'earning member' of the family should wear it around neck). This is in addition to the Kuber idol, Kuber photo frame, Charan Paduka (slippers of Kuber), Kuber Yantra, Kuber Mantra booklet and CD, that you get along with the Kuber kunji pack. The website actually gives you benefits of using Kuber Kunji. They are given below. i swear I am not creative enough to think up any of this:
Benefits
There are three main benefits of Kuber Sadhana…
1. When Lord Kuber is pleased then bless the person with material success and wealth.
2. The chances of coming into wealth unexpectedly and suddenly through lotteries etc increase.
3. No matter how much one spends money keeps flowing in provided the wealth is used for constructive purposes and not for destructive or antisocial activities
They also have an 11 step "How to Install" section, which makes it about as easy as compiling the Linux kernel.
Go on. Order Kuber Kunji, Hanuman Kavach, Mata Kavach, Nazar Suraksha Kavach. you can also get English Tutor, which has an over the hill Vinod Nagpal trying to pose like an English Professor. Or something. Vinod Nagpal, for those who don't remember medieval history, was one of the actors in 'Hum Log' (Which is not a record of tunes hummed- Hum. Log. in English. Get it?) and the Music Teacher in Chashme Baddoor, teaching Deepti Naval 'Kaali Ghodi Dwaar Khadi'. Well, times are tough and the black mare song will not take care of retirals, right?
There are so many misfortunes hidden in these ads promising to bestow luck. Actors who have never been able to make it big or are over the hill try to enact success stories to people who are so insecure and/or defeated, that they actually believe and buy what they say. And sell. And for every snigger, every incredulous shake of head, every latent desire to complain to the Advertising council, there is a person who sincerely believes that his or her misfortune is because of somebody's evil eye and this glass globule will protect him or her. This adds fuel to the fire by making people suspicious of each other, making it difficult to give or receive innocent compliments. Distrust of people around you, fear of some vague 'energy' acts in mysterious ways to harm you…all reminds me of a word that starts with P and ends with 'aranoia'.
Can NSK save them from this?
